So here I am. A huge fan of water. Specifically mountain alps water. I’m such a fan I buy the merch to volunteer to be a walking billboard. I consent! Do you know who can’t consent? Children. They can barely spell consent. So I think to myself as legal “guardian” I can consent for my kid. I go to www.liquiddeath.com and buy my kid this shirt. Man what a ride I went on after that purchase! So I get the shirt and it looks so bad ass. I throw it on my kid and boom. She’s the belle of the ball. I take her out in her stroller and we’re cruising the local warehouse club and someone had the balls to tell me I shouldn’t dress my kid up in something that says death and murder. Well jokes on you because it doesn’t say death and murder. It clearly says Deth and Mur Der. You got your wires cross or at the very least you gotta get them peepers checked because clearly I’m doing a bang up job at being a parent. They get all huffy and call Child protective services. CPS shows up and takes one look at me (clearly always sporting Liquid Death merch) and looking hella fine if I say so myself and one look at them (clearly NOT rocking LD threads) and they walked up to me and whispered into my ear and said “what a lame-o” and guided me and my innocent children to their cruiser. They walk me back to the trunk and open it. Inside? Ice cold liquid death! They shake my hand and hand me one black and one white can. I smiled and give them the ol’ Chester A Arthur grin and shimmy my way back inside to…